Goodbye Darkness

As the end of 2010 comes to end, and brings to a beginning of a new year, I must admit that this past year has left me with much regret and not enough kept resolutions, at the part in my life where I needed to pass, I simply failed the tests that not only I set before me, but others as well.

2010, the year I planned not once, not twice, but five times to quit smoking literally went up in flames (pun intended). Where, I was going to try not being so hard on myself, and bask in my accomplishments, but seemed to drown in my sorrows, heartache, and failures.

A another year going by, without me following my dreams, and finding myself following others dreams, only to see them relish in a victory, as I hang my head in defeat.
I find that the older I am getting, the more unpleasant I have become. I find myself being stone, that if you were to topple me over, I seriously doubt I would break into a million pieces, but enjoying the fact that I just took another piece of my once soft heart, and turned it into something, that in my much younger days, I wouldn’t even want to touch.
I have asked myself, why the last thing I ever wanted to turn into, is the one thing I am becoming, or have become, depending on who you ask. I guess I could blame it all on my childhood, being misunderstood, or what have not. But truth be told, I have become this way due to lack of respect, self-righteous know it all’s, and backstabbing people I have allowed into my life, that I never should have to begin with.

Grant you, some might say this is a cop out, or that I am not taking responsibilities for my own actions in some way, but that would be untruthful. I am tired. Tired of never knowing which way is up with others, from one day to the next. Tired, of having my hopes shattered in place of someone else’s selfishness, and tired of others who seem to enjoy taking advantage, as if they had won the lottery, and the prize they won, is to torture me to no end, until I finally snap. I feel I have lost the best part of who I once was. I no longer feel like I am that caring, decent person, who would give you the shift off of her back, or the last dollar in her wallet if asked. But, feel like I have turned into total and complete bitch, that is having a major battle within, and the darker side of me is winning.

I can no longer afford to let toxic people into my life, for that would be the final complete piece to the puzzle needed to destroy what ounce of humanity in me.
I can no longer afford the petty games, so I shall forfeit and let others feel they have won the victory they set out to seek.

I am done, and I will be damned if I let anything else destroy my heart, my soul, and my sanity.  

Yes, I am my own worst enemy, and it is time to throw away the trash, and let nothing but positivity into my life.  

Goodbye darkness, Hello to the light at the end of the tunnel. May my future be so bright, that I need to wear shades!!!