My Own Little World

Goodbye Darkness

2010-12-17T21:56:00.002-06:00

As the end of 2010 comes to end, and brings to a beginning of a new year, I must admit that this past year has left me with much regret and not enough kept resolutions, at the part in my life where I needed to pass, I simply failed the tests that not only I set before me, but others as well.

2010, the year I planned not once, not twice, but five times to quit smoking literally went up in flames (pun intended). Where, I was going to try not being so hard on myself, and bask in my accomplishments, but seemed to drown in my sorrows, heartache, and failures.

A another year going by, without me following my dreams, and finding myself following others dreams, only to see them relish in a victory, as I hang my head in defeat.

I find that the older I am getting, the more unpleasant I have become. I find myself being stone, that if you were to topple me over, I seriously doubt I would break into a million pieces, but enjoying the fact that I just took another piece of my once soft heart, and turned it into something, that in my much younger days, I wouldn’t even want to touch.

I have asked myself, why the last thing I ever wanted to turn into, is the one thing I am becoming, or have become, depending on who you ask. I guess I could blame it all on my childhood, being misunderstood, or what have not. But truth be told, I have become this way due to lack of respect, self-righteous know it all’s, and backstabbing people I have allowed into my life, that I never should have to begin with.

Grant you, some might say this is a cop out, or that I am not taking responsibilities for my own actions in some way, but that would be untruthful. I am tired. Tired of never knowing which way is up with others, from one day to the next. Tired, of having my hopes shattered in place of someone else’s selfishness, and tired of others who seem to enjoy taking advantage, as if they had won the lottery, and the prize they won, is to torture me to no end, until I finally snap. I feel I have lost the best part of who I once was. I no longer feel like I am that caring, decent person, who would give you’re the shift off of her back, or the last dollar in her wallet if asked. But, feel like I have turned into total and complete bitch, that is having a major battle within, and the darker side of me is winning.

I can no longer afford to let toxic people into my life, for that would be the final complete piece to the puzzle needed to destroy what ounce of humanity in me.

I can no longer afford the petty games, so I shall forfeit and let others feel they have won the victory they set out to seek.

I am done, and I will be damned if I let anything else destroy my heart, my soul, and my sanity.

Yes, I am my own worst enemy, and it is time to throw away the trash, and let nothing but positivity into my life.

Goodbye darkness, Hello to the light at the end of the tunnel. May my future be so bright, that I need to wear shades!!!

Thankful for the terror that is Thanksgiving.........

2010-11-22T23:05:00.000-06:00

It is that time of year, where we are grateful for that which surrounds us. Family, food, football, as well as good friends, who enrich our lives each and every day.

The smell of the turkey, with all the trimmings within our reach and yet seems so far away. The antacids that more than likely will be on hand like a kid in a candy store, tossing the empty bottle aside, wondering why did we eat so much. Yet, going back for even more, then finishing it off with a piece of pumpkin pie.

And let us not forget about the day after on black-friday, where what we thought we were grateful for, leaves us with road-rage and words coming out of our mouths cussing out others, with our kids looking at us puzzled with a little fear mixed in, not sure what to think but knowing if they were to repeat what we just said, would be in trouble.

Ah yes, long lines. Trying to tackle some man who would be sure to squash me like a bug, to get the last I HAVE TO HAVE IT MOM item, that more than likely will be lost under the abyss of a bed within a month.

Long lines to the restroom, trying not to do that dance that everyone else is, trying to hold it, and worse trying NOT to run into the mens room, as it would be most quicker and more efficient. Which, I actually have done before, but that was to get my kid who was in there by himself just a little bit longer than I would have liked (of course this was when he was younger). But, still seeing men horrified that a woman, let alone a mom came in there, was amusing at best.

And out of all the headaches and hassles over the holidays, I find myself quite thankful for them. I hold onto and cherish every memory, even the ones that aren't so wonderful to hold on to, for I know one forgotten memory is something I cannot afford to lose, they are a life line for future generations.

Path to Spirituality

2010-08-14T23:24:00.001-05:00

Anne Rice on July 28^th 2010 posted the following on her Facebook page. “For those who care, and I understand if you don't: Today I quit being a Christian. I'm out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being "Christian" or to being part of Christianity. It's simply impossible for me to "belong" to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I've tried. I've failed. I'm an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.”

Many discussions arose out of her statements, opinions thrown around as if it were Sunday Night Football. Well, as someone who was in the same boat heading toward the same journey, I would like to throw the final touchdown pass.

I was christened Catholic when I was born in the year 1971; however I wasn’t a practicing Catholic as much as my mother wanted me to be. I have been to many churches of many denominations. Catholic, Baptist, Mormon, Methodist, and probably a few more, looking for that peace that I was told I would receive once I accepted the Lord as my own personal savior. Instead of peace, it was anguish I received instead.

I too sat in Church services on Wednesday and Sundays listening as the Sermon was given, left more confused than I was before I walked in through those doors.

“God loves you, but he also hates you”. “If you don’t love God, then you are bound to burn for eternity in hell”. Huh? I would ask “If God loves us, and he made us, why would he burn us”? No one could ever give me a direct answer except for the “it says so in the bible”, as if that made it any easier for me to understand.

I came to the conclusion that organized religion was man made and hardly anything of God, or Christ for that matter. It, at least to me became a self-serving organization full of hypocrisy, which I could no longer sit idly by and watch or digest easily for that matter.

I have been agnostic, bordering atheism for about 5 years now. I guess you could say I walk to the beat of a different drum, where rhythm isn’t required, for if it were, I would surely be condemned for that as well.

I have heard bible verses being spout out from Leviticus by those who claim to be devout Christians, only to find that the ones they choose to spew are the ones that support their hatred for things which they do not know, hardly if at all following the others in Leviticus that would declare themselves an abomination as well. Surely such hypocrisy cannot be tolerated, or could it be that we have become so disenchanted with organized religion and its followers that we expect nothing less, or certainly nothing more?

I find myself cringing at the sound of “God” anymore. For I have found in truth that man created God in their image, for he hates all the same people that they do. A pity for sure, but then again what else can you expect from those who act holier than thou, as they themselves made some sort of sacrifice for the world.

I suppose that is what frustrates me, is those who are so self-righteous that you could tell them that they sky is blue, and they would argue it is green just to argue with you, as if they had nothing else better to do. I mean really? Is it really necessary to argue the points of Christianity? Is it even more so necessary to argue who Christ loves and who he doesn’t?

Since when did being a Christian become like an audition for American Idol? We vote for whom we think is a better Christian, kicking out who we think is less of one. In the words of Simon Cowell, “that is absolutely “horrendous”, and at least in my opinion has no place in our society. Although, I am sure there are some who would highly disagree with my theory on the matter.

To say there is only one path that you must follow in this universe seems to me to be at best incorrect, if not a little self-serving as to fall into line like a good and dedicated soldier. This universe, this beautiful ever changing universe is more than meets the eye. Spirituality is of the heart as well as the soul, and whatever the journey is, there are many paths to get to where you are going.

We do not need to let other’s sway us, nor do we need their acceptance of who we are. What they think of us fails in comparison, for it is what we think of ourselves that truly matter. We can be our best friend and at the same time be our own worst enemy.

We all feel lost at one time or another, looking for answers to our questions, as if we were a child curious about our surroundings. Yes, we may never find the answers we seek, but if we look into ourselves, I mean truly look, we just might find the stepping stone we need to take that first step.

Written By: Tammy Lynnette Enyeart

8/11/2010

Life Is A Journey

2010-08-11T10:53:00.002-05:00

As we travel in our journey down this road we know as life, we tend to get distracted and go off the unbeaten path. We as humans tend to forget the innocence of many yesterdays that was so long ago. Now more focused and distant , surpassing the wisdom which we deny we know.

We forget to stop and take a moment, taking what we have for granted, not thinking of the consequences nor the people we tend to ignore in our walk.

We overlook what is in front of us, ignore the subtle insights, believing our quest is more of a destination, timed race in which we must finish quicker than anyone else, leaving them in a dust cloud choking them in our hurried and rushed life.

We tire quickly gasping for that breath of winning, gasping for that breath of life we once knew and long for again, the breath that once set us free, the breath at one time that made us whole.

We see what is right in front of us, so close within our reach yet can't seem to grasp what we have strived

for, all along.

Life is a journey not a race that needs to be won. Enjoy the journey and leave all other destinations behind.

To Hate Or Not To Hate

2010-08-10T16:54:00.004-05:00

~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you~

You would think that this would be a simplistic concept on both sides of the spectrum, but somehow ends of being one of the most complicated.

People even in this day and age need a reason to validate their hatred for others without any explanation or clear thought as to why they hate with such superiority in the way that they do.

The redeeming qualities we look for thus diminishes and can hardly be found in ourselves therefore making it somewhat impossible to be seen in others. Yet, we seem to hold those very same people to a higher standard than we do ourselves, based on principal of basic human instinct as if our egos weren't already inflated enough.

Our quality of life vanishes into a distant filled fog, blinded by that which surrounds us.

We tend to look for imperfections and failures more so in others, for the simple fact we cannot seem to step up and recognize our own.

Looking down on others comes easy, when we in return look down upon ourselves. Our insecurities show in our actions, but yet we turn away from the faults we have laid before us, for it is painful at best to look in the mirror and see that which stands before us.

To embrace others we must first embrace ourselves, faults and yes even imperfections. Open our blinded eyes to that of which we have ignored for so long.

People are people, we are all human bound to make mistakes. We are all unique individuals but yet we are all the same with one major goal. Living our lives the best that we can, showing that when we stumble, that we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and offer a hand to those we so mockingly tripped and walk in this life together!

Path Of Least Resistance

2010-08-09T10:30:00.001-05:00

When I am asked the frequent question “Do you believe in Christ” my answer of “yes and no” isn’t is as simplistic as the person asking the question, would like it to be.

“Well, you either believe in Christ or you don’t, which is it?” Leaving me yet again with the same response as the first time “yes and no” Hardly the answer they were hoping for, leaving them disappointed once again.

Yet, before I can begin to elaborate further, I am quickly judged and condemned to hell, as if it were an execution handed down after one commits a capital punishment, with no appeals in sight.

And little do they realize it strengthens my beliefs further, knowing I am truly on the right path for me. Leaving them perplexed, and a little confused to say they least, that they were not able to convert me to their way of thinking, as they hoped.

Not Religious by any means, I am however spiritual. I do not take the bible, Christ or Satan in the literal, absolute truth, but approach it with a more metaphorical outlook. I look at Christ and Satan being simple mere metaphors for our own higher and lower consciences. And let’s face it our consciences define at times who we really are, or what we choose to become.

Christ would be our higher conscience. This would represent everything that is good about us: love, compassion, decency, kindness, humility and truth. Whereas, Satan would represent our lower conscience: hate, contempt, discord, anger, and untruth. We both have good and evil dwelling within us, and it isn’t to farfetched to say that we choose who we ultimately become or which conscience or path that we will in return follow.

In today’s day and age, I find myself looking at other’s who tend to use Christ as a security blanket like a small child. The belief alone soothes them, it makes them feel better about themselves, because noone else will. It gives them some sort of “hope” which is all fine and good, but I wonder if they did not have a belief in Christ, would they feel better about themselves on their own, or look in some other direction for comfort. Satan, is the fall guy, the scapegoat. He is the one who everyone blames their problems on, especially when they don’t want to face up to what they themselves have done. The whole “Satan made me do it” is a tiresome statement and shows just how weak someone’s character is, when they cannot take personal accountability for what they themselves have done. Then asking for “forgiveness” not from those they hurt, but from their Christ, as if it were some get out of jail free card, and now they are able to pass go and collect their $200.

I find that too many people tend to feed their ego, instead of their hearts. Becoming more arrogant in their beliefs, as if they placed themselves upon the Cross and “God” told them personally that everyone else was wrong in their faith but them. And yet, these same people who “preach” don’t walk the walk nor do they talk the talk, and they wonder why they are met with distrust and a cold shoulder.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have respect for other’s beliefs, and the faith that they hold. Faith is held dear to some, and I do not fault anyone for that at all, what I do find fault with is the “hypocrites” of society, thinking their way is the ONLY way. It’s isn’t. There are many roads in this life, many paths placed in front of us. Some are straight and to the point, while other’s are winding and long. And yet, the ultimate goal is pretty much the same. Peace, love, understanding and respect of each other, no matter if we share differing points of view or not.

Life is a journey, along the way you may find it smooth. At other times it may be rocky and bumpy, leaving you nauseas. But it is a journey none the less. Even in it’s up’s and down’s, this journey is an learning experience, one we take with us, passing down the knowledge we have discovered along the way.

Don’t be so quick to get to the destination, once there you may find you missed the journey altogether, and there is no return ticket home.

Bigotry in 2010

2010-08-08T19:33:00.001-05:00

I was born in 1971, and grew up in a fairly bigoted household, where the only people who were superior were straight white people. Imagine my parents disappointment when I didn't share their views and headed down a path of my own.

The year is now 2010 and as an adult living in today's day and age, I feel at times I am still that little girl being tormented by the idea that no man is created equal no matter how much our constitution proclaims us to be. It seems to me, that we haven't come out our outlandish caveman ways, nor have we learned from our mistakes in the past.

Although, I am a straight married female, I feel rather disappointed in the issues revolving around same sex marriage. I not only blame our government for not standing in line with our constitution, I also put some of the blame on fundamentalist Christians, who judge and condemn it.

What exactly is the sanctity of marriage? I suppose on could look at it from a church point of view. To love and honor, for richer and poorer, for better and worse until death do us part. Words that are spoken, and often times not adhered to.

Let's face it. America still has a long way to go. We haven't truly moved on from racism or bigotry for that matter. We have stayed inside our cocoon and have hid behind the "church" for way to long.

"God knew us before we were formed in our mothers womb, down to every hair on our head" If God knew, should this even be an issue? Should we be denying "God's children" the right to happiness, as we would anyone else? Should one go as far as to say "homosexuals are not God's greatest work" just as Joel Olsteen suggested. And whether Joel wants to admit it or not, he opened mouth and inserted foot, as soon as he said "God's work" therefore implying what I have felt and have said on many occasions. "God" knew, and at last I heard God does not make mistakes. There you have it.

Whether you agree or disagree that isn't up for debate. What is up for debate however is classifying Homosexuals as second class citizens as we did with African Americans not so long ago, which is exactly the way they are being treated if not worse.

I wasn't born when it was illegal for interracial couples to marry, but I can only imagine the hurt and frustration those couples felt then, not to mention the backlash our law makers received. Times have changed, but the mentality hasn't. We can't afford to be a nation who treats others less than they deserve to be treated. We can't afford to be a nation of hypocrisy, skating by on a wing and a prayer. We can however afford to be a nation who it tolerant, and treat others with the same respect and courtesy as we ourselves would like to be treated. It is really quite that simple.